The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism.

I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid.

Of those who say nothing, few are silent.

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

War is not nice.

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.

An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives with, insists on boring future generations.

Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad idea.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

Civilization is the distance man has placed between himself and his excreta.

Houston, Tranquility Base here. The eagle has landed.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.