From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.