The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

How come we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

If a person offend you and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures. Simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick.

"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

"One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.